Posted by: Tricia | Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Reason

I’m still not exactly sure what I’m going to do with this new blog. This isn’t my first one, and given my history with starting and abandoning diaries/journals, whether they be on paper, a Word file, or yes, blogs, I’m not sure how committed to this one I’ll be. But for some reason, I feel compelled to start yet another one.

I currently have one going on my MySpace page, but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really feel like spilling my guts on there anymore, because people in my life that I know and love read it. That just limits my ability to be totally candid. I created my MySpace page to keep in touch with said loved ones, and to keep them up to date on what’s going on in my world. But I just can’t share everything in my heart for them all to see. So this is my own little secret…just mine. It is completely autonomous from everyone in my life. Let’s just hope I can keep my big mouth shut.

My very first blog I created for the same reason I have created this one. To give me a place where I could open up and say whatever I want, whatever I feel, to get out the multitude of thoughts and ideas that torture me, to lighten my burden…somewhat. But it turns out I unknowingly started that blog at a very critical juncture in my life, and as the events unfolded, I ended up telling quite a few people about it. And a lot of wrong people gained access to it. That’s not why I abandoned it, though…at least not the whole reason. I have been through the most excruciating time thus far in my 34 years, and as I was trying to hang on, cope with, and come to terms with my whole world being revealed as one big enormous lie, sitting down and writing about it was way more than I could handle.

I feel like I’ve come through the very worst of it now, and a tiny little speck of light is starting to shine at the end of my dark, terrifying, evil tunnel. So I’m going to give this another go. With no intended audience, with no worries about how it’s going to be received, without a lick of hesitation to write whatever the hell I want (see? I just said a bad word!). So if you happen upon this new brainchild of mine, I invite you to stick around. Let’s see how this unfolds together. Like I said, I have no intended audience, but if my unique trains of thought on here intrigue you, you are more than welcome to come along this ride with me. And feel free to offer your own thoughts along the way…it will be encouraging for me to know that this all won’t be just randomly floating around out in cyberspace.

I am an eternal optimist. My glass isn’t just half-full, it’s full. There is no empty. My faith in humanity has been deeply shaken, but not destroyed. But my faith in God has never wavered. There has been a very dark, ominous cloud over my head now for the last…oh, nineteen months or so, and despite being soaked to the bone by its rain, and being painfully struck time and time again by its fierce, merciless lightning, after having been left cold, shivering, and wounded, my eyes have never left the silver lining. God has definitely led me into the valley of death, but He has never abandoned me, and my faith and my hope lie in Him to lead me out of it, to joy and happiness I never knew existed.

My pain is starting to lessen, but my future is still full of so much uncertainty. And I’m still utterly terrified. But I’m already bearing witness to growth. I’m already a very different person now than I was before this all began, when my life as I knew it ended. I have been forced to step out of my way-too-comfortable comfort zone and do things I never imagined in a million years I’d ever be capable of doing. I have already accomplished a lot. But I still have so much further to go!

I know I’m being quite cryptic and vague at this point, but don’t worry. You’ll get to know me, and learn the specifics of my circumstances…but all in due time. I gotta keep you wanting more, right?

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