Posted by: Tricia | Friday, May 25, 2007

What a day!

I am just all atwitter right now…I just finished watching the season finale of Lost. Oh, how am I going to wait the whole summer???? From one episode to the next, this show has its ups and downs. But overall, as a series, it’s just absolutely brilliant TV.

I’ve become somewhat of a TMZ.com addict, and every week, some guy named Daniel who works for TMZ, posts a minute by minute recap of each episode, throwing in his thoughts, theories and opinions as he goes. And he’s got quite a following. And I have become one of the masses. He has decided that over the summer hiatus, he’s going to continue his blog entries with the season one DVD’s. I think I just might have to go along on this ride with him. This show is so complex, I could definitely use a refresher on stuff that I’ve completely forgotten about.

I got my maiden voyage into landscaping completed last evening! I planted some flowers in my Grecian urn planter, hung up a couple of hanging baskets on my porch, got my Mother’s Day geranium into a planter, and got my mess cleaned up from planting the bushes. And the front of my house looks so much better! It’s nothing award-winning, but it’s not bare and plain-jane anymore. Yay me!

But now I’m in a bit of a pickle. Remember back on Monday when I was telling about getting my hostas planted? Allow me to quote: “But today, I got busy…I dug a lot of the concrete chunks and rocks out of it…” So where were was it all going? Into an extra empty large trash can that I had in the corner of my garage. And now I can’t move the damn thing. The two wheels start to buckle when I get it tilted. So I thought I’d try it with the hand truck we bought during the move. Surely it would be tough enough to do this for me, right? Wrong! Its tires started buckling, too! I guess I’m gonna have to dig all that dirt back out and put it in a multitude of smaller containers. Or the same few containers over and over again…

You see, my plan is to sneak down to the lot down the block where there’s a mountain of dirt that’s been dug up for a basement, and make my own little donation. It’s not going to be as easy as I was hoping, though.

Ya know, I think that last sentence pretty much sums it all up for home improvement projects, doesn’t it? I’ve got to figure out what to do with all the sod I ripped up, too. The garbage company doesn’t do yard waste.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

I really wanted to get the lawn mowed yesterday, too, but decided against it, due to the forecast yesterday. 90+°!?!? So yesterday was work-on-the-inside-of-the-house day. My kitchen was such a mess… but not anymore! I got the mail cleaned off the end of the counter, washed all those gallderned baby bottles, ran the dishwasher (and emptied it, too…all in the same day! Holy crap!), and unburied the dining table from all of its junk. It feels really good to start getting my life in some sort of order. I’m really hoping that I can start streamlining my methods for maintaining a clean kitchen counter and dining table. That is the hardest thing for me…I’m so bad about using any raised horizontal surface to put stuff on to be dealt with later. And it just gets added to, and added to, and added to. Until said raised horizontal surface is completely buried. And it drives me absolutely crazy! Maybe we’ll actually start dining at the dining table once again. Now there’s a novel idea! Today I knocked a lot off of my ‘must get done right away’ list, but I still have quite a ways to go to feeling like I’m in control of this house and it’s not controlling me.

After a day like yesterday, I’m starting to wonder, “What’s gotten into me?” But the more I think about it, the question I should be asking is “What’s getting out of me?” And the answer to that is, self-doubt, my defeatist attitude, my poor self-esteem, my lack of self-confidence. I guess I’m finally surrendering it all, and letting my sorry excuse of a husband take it all with him. He can go start dumping it all on her. Looking back on my marriage, it’s so easy to see how I got into such a funk about what I’m capable of doing. He wasn’t abusive, or anything (well, is there such a thing as ’emotional abuse?), but he definitely didn’t portray a sense of belief in me, being proud of me, encouragement, or acceptance of me just the way I am, the good and the bad. His love was extremely conditional on my changing to be just the way he wanted. And I wouldn’t cave to that. I wanted to make him so happy, but subconsciously I knew that I wouldn’t be getting anything in return out of it. So I guess looking back on it now, what I was doing was waiting for some sign from him that he was willing to reciprocate. And it never came.

His idea of happiness is pretty whacked. And it’s really quite sad. So until he acknowledges the fact that he’s got so much to learn about living life and being happy, and decides he’s got something to learn, my boys and I are much better off without him. I still have a little bit of hope that he’ll see what he’s walking away from and have a cathartic change of heart, but I’ve also been trying to prepare myself to move on without him.

I could keep going, but I’ll spare you. I need to go get something productive done.
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