Posted by: Tricia | Friday, June 1, 2007

Some things are hard to let go of

I’m a bit of mess today. That wedding reception is tonight, and IH is coming here straight from work today to babysit.

I don’t like him being in this house.

The existence of our marriage was him making me feel like complete shit for not keeping our dwelling clean and shiny to his standards. He made me feel very worthless, to the point where I’d do nothing but sit on the couch all day long watching TV or sleeping. I mean, why would I bother trying to keep his house clean if I knew it would never be enough? And while I’ve never been the cleanest, neatest person, I’m not exactly a disgustingly filthy slob either. He could probably be diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to cleaning. His standards are unrealistically high. And the way I see it is because I refused to raise my standards up to his spoil-the-fun-out-of-life levels, I wasn’t worth much to him. Oh yeah…and the fact that I rarely wanted to have sex with him. Hmmm….why could that be?

So he was basically the housekeeper between the two of us. Which in theory, I don’t have a problem with. If your standards are so high, then go knock yourself out. But don’t you dare hold it against me because mine aren’t, and I refuse to conform.

Now don’t get me wrong. I tried really hard to do things the way he liked, because in all honesty, I desperately wanted to make him happy. For instance, I’m usually not a daily bed-maker. One day a few years ago, IH let me know it really drives him crazy when the bed’s not made when he gets home from work. So I started making the bed everyday. He also let it be known that dishes in the sink are another pet peeve of his. Great…most of the time, the dishes were done and the sink was empty when he arrived home. Occasionally, though, I’d forget about them throughout the day, and would only remember them as soon as he arrived home. And right away I’d jump up and get them done then.

OK…I just have to ask one question here… How completely pathetic is it that the first thing I’d think of when my husband came home from work is “Oh crap, I forgot about the dishes”? That’s something seriously disturbing right there.

So back to today…

I’m making a lot of progress in moving on from my dreams of spending the rest of my life with him, and I’m totally impressed with and proud of myself for the job I’ve been doing on my own thus far. But knowing that he’s going to be here tonight, I still crave his approval. I have this overpowering desire to show him how he majorly underestimated me all these years by having my house be completely spotless and gorgeous when he gets here. But I just don’t have the time or the opportunity to accomplish that. That little IB keeps me away from a lot of the household chores that need to get done. But that’s OK….he is the priority. The housework can wait.

I was thinking about this before I went to bed last night, and even if my house won’t be completely spotless when he gets here this evening, he’s still gonna have his socks blown off. He hasn’t seen the landscaping yet.

So I’m gonna spend the better part of my day cleaning. Yes, even after all that. Let’s face it. It should be getting done anyway, and even if the motivation for my doing it is a little sick and twisted, so what? I just need to put my attitude in check and not let it turn me in a raving lunatic.

I’ll let you know how it all ends up.

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