Posted by: Tricia | Saturday, June 2, 2007

The party!

The wedding reception for SH’s friend was last night. I got the boys’ bathroom cleaned yesterday morning, and managed to get the living room floor vacuumed, too. The place still wasn’t all that clean, but I’m trying to convince myself that what IH thinks doesn’t matter anymore. He came over, and seemed to have a good time with the boys. It’s kinda sad, though…it really did have the feeling that he was just babysitting. Such a shame.

The night ended up being such a blast. The food was great, the drinks were strong, and it was definitely a party! I got dubbed the ‘wedding crasher,’ given that I didn’t really know anyone there. But that changed over the course of the night. All of us smokers ended up on the patio drinking, smoking, chatting, laughing, having a wonderful time.

From the get-go I found myself checking out guys’ left hands for wedding rings. Well, the good-looking ones, anyway. I felt a little silly, actually. I’ve developed a philosophy that I’m not going to look for someone. If it’ll happen, it’ll happen, and the kind of guy I want to meet and ultimately marry will be someone who wasn’t really looking, either. I’m so not into the meat market scene. And when I do meet someone who catches my attention, things are going to go so sssssllllllloooooowwwwww. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure something like what I’m going through right now will never, ever happen to me again.

I’m also trying to adopt the mindset that I need to learn how to be happy on my own, for how ever long I am on my own. I’ve never really been on my own before, and really, right now I’m still not. Financially speaking, anyway. I still totally depend on IH’s income to take care of me and the boys. I desperately want to find a special guy to share my life with, but I’m trying to get myself to believe that until that happens, I can be happy without him, too. And it’s amazing how my thinking has started to change…I’m finally coming around to realizing that that special guy is NOT the man I married. The whole existence of my marriage was me hoping that someday we’d finally find the kind of relationship we were supposed to have. I’d still love for that to happen, and I’m hoping to some extent that it still can. That’s all up to him, though. And for now, I’m trying to move on with my life, learn the lessons I need to learn from all this, and grow as a person.

Throughout the course of the night, I met a lot of…shall I say, interesting people. Some wonderful, great, nice…some…well, I’ll stick with interesting.

And yes, I met a guy.

He’s five years younger than me. That kind of freaks me out a little bit, but I know that should this actually turn into something, it won’t make a bit of difference. Anyway, I didn’t beat around the bush. Our conversation was like an interview…there was no doubt anywhere what the whole point of us talking was. I was pretty quick to explain my whole position…divorce-wise, philosophy-wise, even spiritually. And what was cool is it didn’t seem to freak him out. That could’ve been the beer talking, too.

He told me that he already had my number…hmmm….from whom? I wonder… I got his number before the night was over, too. And he’s actually been in my thoughts all day. He told me that he probably wouldn’t call me, given my current marital situation. He said that he didn’t want to ‘intervene,’ should things with me and the IH turn around. I told him exactly what I stated earlier…that I still hold out a little bit of hope, but it’s fading pretty fast, and I’m doing my best to move on. And besides…we can talk, get to know each other, become friends. Without any other major expectations. There’s nothing wrong with that. SLOW is the name of the game for me.

He hugged me goodnight.

Twice.

I was actually surprised when I woke up this morning that I look back on it positively…not ‘Oh, Lord, what did I get myself into? I hope he doesn’t call.’ I’m actually hoping I will see him again. I wonder if he’s hoping so, too, or if he’s looking back on last night hoping I lose his number. He did say some really nice things to me that made me feel really good about myself. Again…I hope that just wasn’t the beer talking.

So it sounds like the ball is in my court. And I’m finding myself in a position that scares the shit outta me! All of my little insecurities are rising to the surface, and I think if I do ever call him, I’m gonna have to have a couple of servings of that good ol’ liquid courage in me. I wish he was as big into email as I am…I got his address, but he says he never really checks it. So I’m wondering if the number he gave me is his cell phone number….maybe I could email him, then send him a text to check it. How silly is that? Just call him, Trish! Sheesh! Suck it up!

And then I also have thoughts going through my head that the odds of this having real potential are slim to none. I mean, it’s so soon! I’m actually still married! It couldn’t happen this quick, could it? I guess anything could happen, but I’ll say it again: things are gonna go very, very slow. But is this attraction real, or is it just oh-wow-I-can-actually-look-around-now excitement? I guess there’s really only one way to find out. CALL HIM! Ugh…so scary.

And I’m also terrified about figuring out how to handle dating with my kids. Since I have the kids all the time, it makes it really hard. And I’m definitely NOT going to be bringing a bunch of strange guys around the house. One step at a time, though…it’ll all fall into place when the time comes.

Today I have felt like I’ve really turned a major corner. That whole moving-on thing is actually starting to happen. It feels good to not be the wallowing mess I was just a few short months ago. Life is going on…whaddya know? And I actually feel happy. There’s still quite a bit of anxiety about how it’s all gonna work out, but it doesn’t overtake me anymore.

So yeah, that’s what’s been going through my head all day.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: