Posted by: Tricia | Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I shouldn’t be blogging

I have so many other things I should be doing. I have an anxiety in me right now that I hate. I used to have these angst-ridden days a lot more often just a few months ago, and they were always a lot more severe. I’m so glad I’m making progress out of it, but I guess even in the best of circumstances, these days will occasionally come around.

My house needs some attention yet again. The living room is pretty trashed, and I think what has me really worked up is how the laundry pile has magically multiplied overnight…or so it seems. The IB has occupational therapy at 2:00 today, and his appointments are usually in the morning. I wish it was in the morning. Because that way I could get it out of the way and not have to plan so much of my time beforehand around that. The RK still has his friend coming over for the day this week until his regular childcare starts. I wanted to take the kids swimming around 2:00…argh.

I called The Guy last night after both kids were finally in bed, and we talked for about two hours. It was a good conversation overall, but still not as ‘revealing’ as I would’ve hoped. So today, this is another source of my anxiety. I’ve got so many doubts and questions about this whole thing. And I’m trying so hard to keep it real about the possibility of this actually going anywhere. I truly feel like I’m back in high school! My teenage years were basically filled with me liking guys that didn’t like me the same way, and today I’m feeling all of the anxiety that came with that way back when.

Did he hate being on the phone with me for so long (’til midnight) and was just dying to hang up but didn’t want to be rude?

Is he coming to the conclusion that our initial attraction was only skin deep and there’s really nothing he wants to pursue here?

Why won’t he suggest we try to get together? We haven’t seen each other since the wedding…going on two weeks now. I really have no issue being the one to make this move first, but given that my relationship and marriage to the IH was so totally un-romantic, I’d really like for this to take more of a traditional route. After feeling like such a bane of IH’s existence, I really want The Guy to let me know that he’d love to spend some more time with me and then actually try to make it happen. I mean, how long can we go with only talking on the phone before it just starts feeling ridiculous?

So now I’m back to playing my waiting game. We seem to be pretty good at trading phone calls back and forth, and since I called him last night, now I must wait to see if he wants to keep this going. I wonder…does he play a waiting game for me? Does he want to hear from me? Was he hoping I’d call, and then was happy that I did?

Ack…I hate this and love it all at the same time.

I really hate how my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. But I guess given the way things have gone for me in the past, I’d really have to be pretty deluded to think I was all that. But I am a totally different person now than I was the last time I was a part of the dating world, so I shouldn’t be thinking and feeling all those old-me things. But I just can’t help it. Some things you just never grow out of.

I’m still really hoping this thing with The Guy has some legs. It has been such an exciting and refreshing distraction from the shit that has been my life for so many, many months now. And again…I’m trying to keep it real, but boy would I love it if I’m headed into a great new relationship! One thing I need to be careful about, though – if it does turn into something cool, I have to be sure to not let this get in the way of my individual rebirth. I need to keep learning how to define myself as my own autonomous person.

OK…I think I’ve wasted way too much time on here. Hopefully now I’ve been able to expunge some of my anxiety onto this blog, and I can focus on what I need to get done for the day.

More to come…still must let y’all know about my little chat with IH this past Sunday.

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Responses

  1. Take it nice and slow Tricia. You’ve heard lots of “Rebound” stories I am sure and I lived one with the second wife who divorced her husband after finding or perhaps snagging me during my divorce. Turned into seventeen years of misery but I got to raise her two boys and that is a bright spot. I love em and they called me dad.


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