Posted by: Tricia | Thursday, June 21, 2007


I’m upstairs in bed, not really ready to go to sleep, but still not feeling quite right. The RK is downstairs with his pillow and his ‘buddies’ on the couch watching a movie. He is so precious. I am so proud of him. I hate what his father has done to this beautiful boy’s life. And I’m so worried about his future.

I have my DVR set to record all the new episodes of a show on the A&E network called Intervention. I came upstairs and found a recent episode in my list of shows on the DVR, so I decided to watch it.

This show is so disturbing. The subjects agree to participate in a documentary about addiction, and let the cameras follow them as they go through their day. This includes filming the subjects using drugs, drinking, binging & purging, whatever the acts of their particular addiction are. I find the IV drug users’ stories especially disturbing, and often I have to look away from the TV while they’re shooting up.

At the beginning of each episode, we get a brief life history of the subjects, and so often they were destined for greatness. And frankly, I can’t recall a single episode where there wasn’t some sort of serious dysfunction for these people growing up, and their parents have usually divorced. And as a result of an unstable household, these people have managed to find their way into the stranglehold of some sort of illicit substance, which subsequently tears apart their lives, and the lives of those that love them most.

I think with every episode I watch now, I internalize them. I am so terrified for my boys, especially the RK. I want to do whatever I have to to make sure he doesn’t go down this road. I can’t control was his father does, but I just want to make sure that I’m doing whatever I must to make the RK’s life as stable, fulfilling, and happy as possible despite his father’s horrible decisions.

I am so angry that not only has one parent willingly walked away from being a full-time parent, but because of that, it’s also taking away a lot of the parent that he’s leaving behind. The IH and I had agreed when the RK was born that I would be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, not too long after he was born, I found a job as a part-time bank teller, but when the time came for me to find daycare for the RK, and I will never forget this as long as I live, IH actually broke down and cried while holding his beautiful son over the idea of anyone else taking care of him. So I didn’t take the job.

And now it just breaks my heart to see how the IH’s priorities have changed so drastically. All of a sudden, strangers taking care of his kids is no longer a big deal to him.

And the injustice in all this is that it is still such a big deal to me, and if he’d just get his priorities back in line, I wouldn’t be forced into raising my kids how I don’t want to. That’s the way I see it, anyway.

While this still hurts like hell, I’m finally getting to a place where I’m starting to accept the different future that lies ahead of me, and I’m desperately trying to steel myself for the much tougher job that I’m being forced into as these boys’ now single mother.

This is just so not fair for them. How could he do this? And how can he sincerely convince himself that all this OK, it’s no big deal? Oh, how it breaks my heart to watch this horrible metamorphosis of the man I devoted my life to!

When the IH moved out for the last time this past November, he moved in with his mistress, and her kids. She has a son, 9, and a daughter, 3. She, her husband, and their two kids became our best friends almost four years ago. We did everything together. The men were best friends. The women were best friends. And yes, the two boys were best friends. After the IH told me of the affair, hoping I would just dump his sorry ass so he’d be free to be with her, I dealt him a hand he wasn’t expecting. I fought. I fought like hell for my marriage. And over the following months, he’d waffle back and forth about what he was going to do. Especially when we found out I was pregnant. Initially, he decided he was going to stick by his family, and do whatever it took to work this out. And I told him that if that’s the case, then it has to be as if this woman and her family don’t exist anymore. Period. The worst part of this is the two boys having to end their friendship for such a horrible reason, and through no fault of their own.

So far, this divorce has been quite amicable. The IH knows he royally screwed up, and seems pretty willing to take his lumps in the settlement. But we have one major sticking point that we’re butting heads on. Because of his living arrangements, and the sensitive nature of our previous relationship with his homewrecking whore *ahem* his mistress, I want the court to approve the stipulation that he cannot have any of his parenting time with her and her family. The RK has worked so hard to move on from being forced to end this friendship, and given the chances of this ‘relationship’ surviving, I don’t want to set the RK up to have to go through it all over again. And besides, I feel like if I send the RK off with his dad for the weekend like that, it’d be sending him the message that what his dad & this ‘woman’ (again, I use this word loosely) are doing is OK.

Another point: what will the RK think as he enters into this household where Daddy is now living with his ex-best friend and his mommy like he used to live with him and his own mommy? That just gives me waves of nausea. The RK is excited about the thought of getting to be back in the life of this friend, but I think if it actually does happen, it won’t be as happy and comfortable as the IH thinks it will be.

It doesn’t sound like the court is on my side in this so far, and frankly, I don’t have the financial means to draw this out. I think for now I’m just going to keep appealing to my husband’s nonexistent conscience to try to get him to agree to this. I have no issue with him spending every other weekend with his kids…just not with her around. And what makes me so sick is that the IH is completely oblivious to the potential for any ill effect this could have on the RK. He’s been abiding by my wishes thus far, because he knows the RK and I have had a talk about not keeping any secrets from Mommy if Daddy asks him to.

It absolutely shatters my heart to see how the IH has completely blinded himself to the horrible effects the decisions he’s making is having on the people that love him the most. I’m just so afraid that these cards my boys have been dealt have put them more at risk for ending up like those poor people on Intervention.

I have a strong faith in God, though, and as hard as it can be, I’m trying to remember that He is in control, and He has His protective hand over my children during whatever life may throw at them.

I need to get some sleep…



  1. I really hate reading about this. I have a lot I could say and add to this but every situation is different and just because it happened to me doesn’t mean it will happen to you.

    I know you want to control this situation about having your kids around his scank, but I’m afraid you won’t be able to down the road. Life has dealt you a bad hand in this situation. I really don’t know what you can do to keep them away from him other than this: make sure you have full LEGAL custody and all he has is “right to visitation” but make it at YOUR discretion. If you can refrain from giving him any power or decision making ability in the plan, you will have the upper hand.

    I do want you to remember, just as many kids turn out good as turn out to be drug users. The drug users have usually had things in their life they were not able to resolve and with you being a good mom, when your kids have issues you will resolve them and be there for your kids. The parents that screw their kids up are the ones who don’t pay attention, and are not there for their kids to help them through or the parents are the culprits.\

  2. The hardest part is when that dream that you had dies. Wanting to be at home for your kids and having to go back to work. Raising your kids with an equal partner and then finding you will be co-parenting instead with someone who’s chosen to lead a different life. Realizing your kids will not be who they would have been if the marriage had worked. Those were all the things that made it so hard for me. Still working them through four years out.

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