Posted by: Tricia | Sunday, June 24, 2007

The light at the end of the tunnel

Sorry for the downer posts lately. I don’t like writing them, but I’m very thankful for this outlet when these thoughts and feelings do get the better of me. And this past week was one of those times, I’m afraid.

Since the IH moved out, I’ve had quite a few periods of time where my emotions have gotten the better of me and have completely paralyzed me like this. One time back in January, I even had to call my mom to come stay with me, if for nothing else but to break up the sad monotony around here. And God bless her, she did.

I’ve been doing so good here for such a good long stretch of time, but I guess the settlement hearing coming up next week is making me all too aware of the fact that I am about to be divorced. And that just makes me so sad. The reality of it all just hit me all of a sudden, and there wasn’t much I could do about it. Hopefully I’ll remain true to form as in the past, and I’ll snap out of it quickly and painlessly.

I did get to the point yesterday where I called the IH and chewed him out again. Well, not so much chewing out as trying to appeal to his tiny, hard, crusty, buried soul concerning this whole parenting time thing. And he’s making it plenty evident that he is not, and has never been willing to make the kind of sacrifices for anyone who cares about him and is willing to sacrifice for him. While we were talking, he kept bringing up the point that we just grew apart, and he just doesn’t think it’s anything that can be overcome. So I told him that the reason we grew apart is because through the years, I grew and he didn’t. When he has questions about the intangibles of life, he asks them, but then if he doesn’t get answers he understands or likes, he’ll just make up his own version of reality.

For example: A past conversation I’ve had with IH.

Me: “Love isn’t easy. You aren’t going to find a person in this world who thinks like you, does things like you or agrees with everything you think. But when you meet someone who grows to love you and you grow to love them, it is hard work to learn how to live together without sacrficing either of y’all’s happiness. But it can be done.”

IH: “You mean love is hard work?”

Me: “Yep.”

IH: “Well, it shouldn’t be.”

It’s really quite sad. See how he just created his own version of reality? …sigh…

Over the years, I desperately tried to bring him along on my journey of growth (which is far from over, believe me), but he has always been too afraid to look at what might be hidden deeper than his skin. And he’s never been able to put his faith and trust in another person to bare his soul to them.

That right there is why we grew apart.

But really, how can anyone expect him to bare his soul to them when he can’t even bare it to himself?

I hope the ho-bag realizes this before it’s too late for her. And the IH has said in the past that he knows that before too long she’s going to be wanting a lot of the same things from him that I’ve wanted all these years.

The IH did acknowledge through the course of the conversation that he really doesn’t have any business being married to anybody. I hope he really takes that to heart.

I’m desperately trying to keep the high road in all this, because my kids are watching what I do and how I handle this. But the IH is totally convinced that I’m trying to stick it to him where it hurts. I’ve never ever played dirty, throughout or marriage or this divorce. But I guess that’s one way for him to rationalize all this away.

Our conversation went on for well over an hour, and I’ll spare you any more of the pathetic details. Anyway, he’s coming over today to spend time with the kids, and I shudder at the thought of having to be around him. I’ll do it for those precious babies, though.

Well, the RK is asking for some breakfast, so I’ll end y’all’s misery right here. Again…thanks to all of you who have been offering your thoughts, advice and concern. It does my heart a world of good!

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Responses

  1. Keep to the high road, lassie.

    It’s the only way to go.

    You’re doing good.


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