Posted by: Tricia | Monday, July 2, 2007

Seeking relief

Oh, I’ve found myself this afternoon just all tied up in knots. I am such an emotional wreck. I just want to go crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head and be alone. The IB’s taking a nap right now, and I know that won’t last as long as I would like. He’ll be needing his mommy all too soon, and I just don’t feel up to trying to force myself to be the loving, attentive, happy mommy he needs and deserves. But I’ll do it, because I have to. And because I love that sweet little thing so much. And because I know that while it’s hard to imagine being able to summon the strength I need for him, it always ends up being easier than I thought once I see that beautiful little smile.

The house is still a mess. I just can’t seem to summon the determination I need to tackle it. And it’s hanging around my neck like that good ol’ literary albatross.

The IH wants to take the kids for July 4th. To the homewrecker’s sister’s house (she and her two kids became very close friends of mine as well, and I haven’t seen them since Christmas 2005) for a BBQ and fireworks. He told me his plans via a text message sent on Saturday, and I haven’t responded yet. I know I need to give my approval, but I’m having such a hard time uttering the words.

I hope it’s an awkward day, at best. Well, only for the grown-ups. I want my absence to hang over them like the blackest, thickest, most suffocating cloud of WRONG ever felt.

And for the RK, well, I just don’t know. I’m happy that he’s excited to see his old friend again. And for his sake, I am a tiny bit relieved that I have given in. I hated being such a huge source of discontent with him. Even though he won’t be able to understand why I had this position until he’s much, much older.

But not knowing how this will play out has me messed up. And not knowing if he’ll ultimately have to go through this all again, giving up this friendship for the pathetic reason of the adults not being able to act like adults. Again.

Does this mean I have to start letting this little boy come over for playdates, or will I yet again be a source of unfair discontent when I inform the RK that he will only be able to see this friend while he’s with his dad? It’s not fair for him to have a friend only when he’s with his dad. But right now I just can’t stand the idea of having any part of that section of my past anywhere around my present. And I can’t stand the thought that it might hurt the RK in any way.

Oh, I just want that part of his life to be done and over with. In the past. Let’s please move on. Why must I continue to be tortured by this evil, selfish woman and what she did to me? And to the RK?

Why must I be the one to summon the superhuman strength to make up for the disgraceful weaknesses of my Idiot Husband and the Homewrecking Whore? It just seems impossible to continually be ‘the bigger person’ and remain objective; always, without fail, doing what’s best for the sakes of my babies. And what makes this even harder is that I’m not exactly sure this is the right thing.

This haunts me. Teases me. Tortures me. Paralyzes me. I desperately want this pit in my stomach to go away. I am so tired of it.

I desperately want something to be happy about. To rejoice in. To celebrate. I am so tired of being sad. Angry. Hurt. Destroyed. I’m wasting valuable time feeling like this, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I have no control over it. It has taken control of me. And I HATE that.

I’m trying to focus on the opportunity I’ll have to not be responsible for my kids for a little while. I desperately need a break from them. Just some time to myself without a birthday party looming over me. Just nothing. No kids. Nothing. Being able to do whatever I want.

OK…that’s all. I need to pull myself together. Hopefully spilling some of this out will help.

Thanks for listening, guys.

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Responses

  1. Tricia, Do you have anyone to talk to? To help you work through this and perhaps counsel or advise in a healthy and wise way? I think you have my E mail and if not you can get it off the header of my blog.

  2. Bob:
    This post helped me exorcise a lot of the demons that are tormenting me today. And yes, I do have good friends in my wonderful new neighbors.

    I saw a therapist a couple of times a few months ago, but I just can’t make that a regular habit due to finances.

    I’m pretty self-observant. My trend seems to be that I emotionally crash for a day or two, then I get so sick of it I pull myself out of it and get back into the swing of life. It’s been like clockwork.

    This divorce is teaching me so much. And each time I crash like this, it’s usually for a different reason than the time before. And these times are getting fewer and further between. I’m confident that once all this is settled and I get into the routine of my new life, times like today will be far behind me. That’s my goal, anyway.

    And if that doesn’t happen…well, there’s always Prozac!

    Thanks so much for your concern! You are a wonderful example of how my blogging can help me deal. I’m feeling so much better than when I made this post…it’s amazing what a few hours can do.

  3. Here’s a quote from a friend, that I think you might enjoy:

    “You can’t always get a person to treat you well. But you can stop them from treating you poorly by simply walking away. And if you’re lucky enough, you get to check in on that person from time to time and see what a good decision that was.”

  4. Oh Jane, I just wish I could walk away and never have to deal with that man again! But unfortunately, we went forth and multiplied together. So as long as he wants to be a part of his kids’ lives, he must also be a part of mine. Argh.


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