Posted by: Tricia | Thursday, July 5, 2007

Trudging on

I feel like my summer is wasting away. It just hit me that it is now July. The excited anticipation that comes with June is done and gone.

We haven’t even been to the local Dairy Queen yet. That must be remedied soon.

A while back, my neighbor two doors down had a gorgeous deck built and no longer had need for the little wooden steps that had previously been underneath his back door. So he came and knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted them. Of course!

So now we are able to use our back door to get out to the relative expanse of our back yard. With absolutely nothing in it. And I don’t have any clue what to put back there to make it useable. I want a deck or patio so bad I can taste it, but definitely don’t have the funds to make that happen.

The RK doesn’t have much excitement for playing sports. At least with just his parents. I’d love to go throw the baseball with him and his years-old-but-still-brand-new hardly-used mitt, but he poopoos the idea. And the soccer ball. And the football (and yes, his mama could show him how to throw a pretty decent spiral).

We’ve spent the entire day indoors today. And it was an absolutely perfect day. The evening was gorgeous. I noticed those incredible thunderclouds building to the east, where they’re dark and ominous on the bottom, and bright, white-pink and puffyfluffy all the way up to the top. I only stayed briefly to marvel, and did not even summon my children to come and enjoy it with me. That’s what I mean when I say the summer is wasting away. I desperately hope and pray that wasn’t my last opportunity for the season.

I’m not really in the mood to see and be seen. I had fun at the neighbor’s last night, and I’m glad I went, but today, I just want to mope. So maybe that’s why I’m sun-deprived today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I survived the 29 or so hours my kids were gone. It’s so amazing to me how such small little bodies can fill up a house. It felt strange to only carry my cell phone up to bed with me and no baby monitor. But I have to admit, it felt amazing to sleep in past 10:00 the next morning!

I found out some very interesting information concerning the text exchange I relayed to y’all in my last post. And just like my inital reaction to the texts themselves, I don’t really quite know what to make of this.

It was very out of character for the IH to utter such words of encouragement. I mean, throughout this whole ordeal, he has been totally incapable of saying anything…and I mean ANYTHING…nice, uplifting, or encouraging to me. He has expressed on numerous occasions, ever since this affair started, that he would be so happy if I decided to just go away and leave the kids with him. Seriously. I’m not exaggerating, I’m not embellishing, I’m not misconstruing.

I have never felt so worthless in all my life.

Hence my text to him about having someone else write those texts to me.

So Tuesday night, he comes and picks up the kids, and here I am, left all alone in this big empty house, not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

Soon after the IH drives off (in his less-than-24-hours hold brand new Nissan SUV), SH texts me to see if she can come hang out with me for a bit, and I say sure. We start talking about all this, and she says, “Trish, I have to level with you. I called [the IH] at work today.”

After my meltdown the day before, she was pretty freaked, and bless her heart, she felt compelled to intervene on my behalf.

She said she thinks of me as family.

It’s two days later, and even thinking about it now dampens my eyes.

The fact that she felt compelled to take this on herself and get involved to such an extent means the absolute world to me. Because I have no one else. No family. All of my neighbors are new friends of mine, and getting to that level of familiarity, intimacy, and willingness to involve oneself is a long, drawn-out, no-guarantees process.

I remember right after we brought the IB home from the NICU, SH came over to meet him. I told her how my mom was planning on cutting her trip short because my step-dad was making it sound like he was about to die with her gone. And I remember crying, saying, “Who do I have to go to the mat for me?” And that was one of the few times I’ve seen her cry. It’s nice to know I have such a dear friend that will go to the mat for me. And I just hope that I’m able to fully express my appreciation and compensate her over the coming days, weeks, years.

Not reciprocate. Just compensate.

OK…that’s enough. I’ve got to stop thinking about it. I don’t want to get dragged down again. At least not like Monday. I’m doing much better right now, but still not too motivated. Just don’t want to make it any worse. This fragility is driving me crazy. I hate this. Again…what a waste of these days of my life.

So the boys seemed to do just fine at the love shack. I’m glad to get that initial send-off behind me. The IH is taking the kids again for the weekend. Oh Lord…two whole nights without my babies! What a hodgepodge of emotions…excitement for getting to hang up my responsibility for a while, yet the hole that comes with their absence. Not to mention the worry about the atmosphere around there that they’re entering into.

Oh, how I loved seeing that precious little toothy grin last night when the IB leaned into my arms!

To end this post on a happy note-
Last night while we were all gathered to watch the fireworks show behind the neighbors’ houses across the street, I got to chatting with my next-door neighbor. Here’s what he said to me: “You know J’s cousin? The one who helped him bring those steps over to your back door? He’s got such a crush on you.”

I don’t really even remember what he looks like, even though I think I might’ve been introduced to him while walking by one day a few weeks ago. How cool, though. Does my self-image a world of good.

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Responses

  1. Just randomly came across your blog. Keep up the good writing.
    take care.

  2. You never did say how you and SH straightened things out? or at least I didn’t see it

  3. Yeah, things just kinda blew over. Really nothing to report. No violins, no sappy tearful “I love you!” “No, I love you!” moments. Oh yeah…she started sending me texts again, like nothing had ever happened.

    So when I found myself over at her house for the first time since it all went down, I verbally expressed my apologies once again. She blew it off like I didn’t need to apologize, although I think she’s got a problem really letting someone know when they’ve sincerely hurt her feelings. That can be so frustrating.

    But things are good now. Yay!

  4. Glad I’ve finally found soteihmng I agree with!


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