Posted by: Tricia | Monday, August 20, 2007

One whole trip around the sun

Dear sweet Itty Bitty,

You took your exit from the comfort and security of my womb exactly one year ago today. And oh, how you’ve already changed so much! Your first days amongst us were difficult, trying, so scary. You came out of me in one fell swoop at 4:04 PM. And you didn’t cry. To this day, I feel a sadness in my heart for not hearing that strong, healthy, gutteral cry from you. Because I knew that it was more than likely my fault. But eventually, I could hear soft little grunts coming from somewhere underneath all those doctors working feverishly to bring you fully to life. And I got to say hi and introduce myself; we got to see each others’ faces for the first time.

You spent the first five days of your life in a big room with heartbreakingly sick babies for neighbors. You heard beeps, chimes, strangers’ voices. You had a big ol’ needle poked in your arm held in place with lots and lots of tape all over. You had little sticky things on your chest. And occasionally, a tube stuck up your nose. You even endured a spinal tap.

Even though my body was so tired & sore, the only place I wanted to be was by your little bed, holding you in my arms.

I remember how I loved to watch your little computer screen that was monitoring your heart rate, your breathing. Your father was often there, as was your proud new big brother. We would all take turns holding you for a little while. And I remember watching that monitor, noticing that only when you were in my arms, your breathing became so steady, making a perfect little zigzag across the bottom of the screen. Then you would heave a big sigh (and what a sweet little sound that is), and I’d watch that little zigzag jump, then go back to the regular, steady pattern.

You were such a tiny little thing, just half an ounce over six pounds. Your sweet little stork bite birthmarks between your eyes, under your right nostril. Such tiny little hands and feet. The nurses all just loved you. They couldn’t get over how cute you were. And you were definitely the healthiest baby in there. How my heart ached for the babies who had been in there for weeks, or even months before you arrived. And for their parents.

I hated not being able to bring you home with me, hated leaving you in the care of people who just didn’t love you as much as I do. But you fought; you proved to those doctors and nurses that there was really nothing wrong with you, and you wanted to go home.

Oh, what a difference a year makes! You are so, so different today, and I can’t get over it! Today you are a healthy, happy, super-energetic little guy, with a smile that can melt even the hardest of hearts. You have this amazing personality, this amazing twinkle in your little blue eyes. You are self-assured, tenacious, precocious. You are healthy. You are so beautiful.

You certainly didn’t come into a world I had hoped you would. This first year of your life has been the hardest I’ve ever had. But I can’t imagine how I would’ve gotten through it without you. And I make you this promise right now: it will only get better from here! This family has a lot of hard work in front of it, but I know that there are blessings awaiting us that we can’t even imagine.

The happiest of birthdays to you, my dear Itty Bitty. I just don’t know what I’d do without you.

Love always,

Mommy

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Responses

  1. Happy Birthday, IB!

  2. I hope you print this out, put it in an envelope, store it in a safe place, and give it to him when he’s old enough to understand it (and the feelings behind it). He’ll treasure it forever.

  3. Awww….thanks, guys! There is no earthly measurement that can even come close to indicating how blessed I am.


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