Posted by: Tricia | Sunday, September 30, 2007

Second, third, and four-hundred-thirty-eighth guesses

Have I done the wrong thing? Did I give up too easily? My gut tells me yes, but what can I do now?

I just can’t shake the feeling that letting my kids go with their dad to spend the weekend with the woman who willingly and deliberately helped destroy this family (at least in the traditional sense) and he’s now living with is…well, corruptive, to say the least.

At this point, it doesn’t seem to be too big of a deal with the RK…he’s really enjoying getting to see the boy that was his best friend before this all came crashing down on us, and it doesn’t really seem to go any further beyond that. But as time goes on, if this ‘relationship’ between the ex-husband and the ex-friend really does have legs and doesn’t come crashing down like I’m desperately hoping it does, will the implications of the situation start adversely affecting RK? Or will it just become ‘the way it is,’ even though it is so wrong? And will he understand that?

What if he starts feeling like they’re more of ‘the family’ than I am?

I have my mind set that this relationship is going to last a long time. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right? But I just can’t possibly imagine something that started with such selfishness, deception, immaturity and depravity having any kind of staying power. Then again, though, this world is indeed depraved, and such a situation has become quite accepted, supported, and even a source of humor. How sick. My faith in humanity has definitely been shaken.

What if the RK thinks that what his dad is doing is not a big deal and starts adopting the same life philosophy as he grows up, despite my efforts to teach him otherwise? I’m thankful that I have sole physical custody in this respect; he’s only exposed to this for two out of every fourteen days.

The IX really has no experience or knowledge of what a true father is supposed to be — teaching morals, lovingly guiding a child to a healthy adulthood, or offering any kind of emotional support when it’s needed. When we were still together, I was the moral and emotional connection, and he was either the playmate, or the way-too-strict authoritarian. And it never went beyond that.

And now, I worry about what I’m not hearing about. I sincerely don’t believe the IX has any kind of moral compass when it comes to making decisions when it concerns his kids. But what’s funny is there’s a great litmus test staring him right in the face. If he wants to do something with/concerning/affecting the boys and has any hesitation in telling me or consulting me about it, then it’s probably a good idea that he not go down that road.

I think I’m doing a pretty good job at keeping the boys’ best interests as the #1 priority, and not exhibiting any sort of spiteful or vengeful behavior directly toward the IX. I could be wrong, though…my perspective isn’t exactly the most objective. But he’s absolutely convinced that I’m out to turn the boys (at this point, the RK) against him, and I’m deliberately trying to destroy their relationship. I think he’s doing a bang-up job of that all on his own, and doesn’t need any help from my end. I’m doing my part to try to salvage and nurture this father-sons relationship now that the father has all but destroyed it.

So what of this situation? Letting my boys go stay with their dad and his girlfriend/mistress/their mom’s ex-best-friend? I’ve made it be clearly known with the RK that what his father is demonstrating to him is utterly wrong as wrong can get. But by allowing this situation, are my actions declaring otherwise? Should I have fought this arrangement in court, even though I was advised that the outcome didn’t look to go in my favor? I just don’t know. And there’s no going back now. So am I doing what I need to be doing now that this is the way it is? What am I not doing? What am I doing wrong? I pray that the Lord open my eyes to the truthful answers to these questions.

OK, I feel a little better now. Just had to get that out.

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Responses

  1. Sorry. I should have proofread before I sent my last comment. 🙂
    ~*

    Wow… I was coming by to comment on yesterday’s post and find a new one with equally meaty content. 🙂

    (I’ll go back to the other one in a minute…)

    Just for my take on this as someone who has experienced it in my own family, these are my immediate impressions:

    1) Your kids do need to have a relationship with their dad.. even though what he has done is morally wrong.

    2) This is a teaching opportunity for you with your kids. It is an opportunity to talk with them very honestly about the damage that has occurred, that while it has nothing to do with them (not their fault, in other words), that Dad did something wrong. Teach them about betrayal and the consequences. Teach them that honor and commitment trumps personal desires of the moment.

    Allowing IX to save face in this case would be deceptive. I’m not saying to call your ex everything but a child of God in front of your children (do that with friends or on your blog) or dump your personal pain on them but calmly explain to that actions have consequences.

    You are not sanctioning the behavior by letting them go there. Not even close. You’re just allowing them to have a relationship with their dad.. but that doesn’t mean you have to lie to protect him.

    What do you think?

    Peace,

    ~Chani
    http://thailandgal.blogspot.com

  2. Chani, you’re right on, indeed! The first thing I told the RK was how it wasn’t his fault, and I don’t say bad things about his dad in front of him. I do, however, express the fact that I am very angry at his dad, and that his dad loves him very much, but he’s just got some very, very wrong ideas about life and family.

    I’ve already had a talk with the RK about marriage. And I’m gonna keep having that talk about marriage. He’s getting to the age now where it’s about time to have ‘the’ talk, and I definitely want that talk to come from me as opposed to his father.

    If you read back in my blog a ways, you’ll find that in my dilemma of working out his parenting time, I’ve never had a problem with the boys spending every other weekend with their dad. I just fought for those weekends to not be include her. But the IX thinks that what he’s doing and demonstrating could in no way be detrimental or send a wrong message.

    Pluggin’ along…

  3. Stop living my life! I demand it! Why should you get to have the same weekend I did?! 🙂

    Have you not a morality clause in your settlement?

  4. you can’t control other people….once the big D took place that was gone. Whether or not you like it, that woman is in their lives and as they get older, (speaking from experience), if you continue to be bitter and have an attitude toward her, it will make you look like the petty one. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is true because snakes like her have a way of twisting things around to convince those around them, they are well meaning. But I ASSURE you, the day will come when your sons will see right through the crap and you will prevail. I know how hard this is, I’m living it everyday…having to compete with her, or rather her insisting on competing with me to be a great parent. I’ve just kept plugging along, and my son can see the truth, he is smart that way. I think the hardest thing about divorce and new relationships is allowing some stranger to take your place be it only 2 weekends a month, it is still the most difficult part, of that I am sure. I totally sympathize with you


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