Posted by: Tricia | Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Advice requested, etc.

This online dating thing sure can raise some anxiety. But not like you’re probably thinking…

I’ve got about three guys I’m in regular contact with right now. Well, one of them’s on the back burner until he gets back from a week-long hunting trip in Canada. But the other two I’m emailing and chatting on the phone with on a daily basis. One of them I can’t wait to go out with, and the other, well…

P lives in a town about 40 miles west of here. And here’s what I think is so cool…he’s from Mexico! He works for one of the automakers as an engineer, and moved to Michigan from Mexico seven years ago. He’s really self-conscious about his English, but he needn’t be. His emails have been very well written, and on the phone, I’ve had little-to-no problem understanding him. And I’ve even been throwing in some of my Spanish in my emails to him, which he has said impresses him.

We talked on the phone last night for about an hour and a half, and in discussing our experiences becoming single again, he actually got quite emotional at one point. It was over one of his little girls and the effect his divorce had on her, but still… Red flag right there. (We have similar experiences in that our spouses both left us for friends of ours. He still has to work with the guy his ex is with now. Yikes!) And also, in his emails he’s been saying stuff like “I hope I live up to your expectations…” I’ve been really laid-back with him thus far, throwing ‘one step at a time’ and ‘friends’ comments around pretty frequently, and he’s been indicating he’s in agreement with me. He’s also mentioned that this past weekend was his first time having invited friends over since his divorce, and that he’s having trouble getting himself to trust again.

So here’s where the anxiety comes in. I have plans to go out with him on Friday night, and at this point, I really don’t want to. I’m just not feeling much of a connection with him, and I’m a little concerned that emotionally, he’s still got some digging out to do. I’d be willing to bet that I’m the only woman from the website that he’s in contact with, and as is so easy to do, he’s managed to get a lot of hope pinned up on me. And my first response, given that I’m just not as excited about him, is to break things off before it gets any worse.

To my dear readers: I’m still quite wet behind the ears in this world of online dating, and really, in the world of dating, period. I didn’t date very much in high school or college…well not unexclusively, anyway. I feel like I don’t know how to do this when the attraction isn’t mutual. What do y’all think? Should I suck it up and go through with our date Friday night, or should I back out as gracefully as possible, with an honest, diplomatic and caring explanation? I don’t necessarily want to blow him off completely, either, because I can see some genuine potential for a pretty great friendship at this point. In my essay on my profile page, I made it a point to stress that whomever I meet through the site I must be friends with first, and I also talk about how making some friends is really about all I can realistically hope for. So I feel a need to honor that if the situation dictates as such. Help me! Help me! πŸ˜‰

And now, on to the guy I’m really digging at this point:

M is awesome. He’s a year older than me, lives no more than 10 minutes away, and has a great voice. He first called me last Thursday on his lunch hour, and I instantly swooned at the sound of his voice. And we can talk. And talk. And talk. This past weekend, he went to the N@SCAR race in Texas of all places, and he called me consistently during his trip. And we already felt comfortable enough with each other that he could rub it in my face that he had S0nic for dinner one night. The RK knows about M, but only because he called when the RK was closer to my phone than I was. He brings my phone to me, saying, “It’s a call from [M]…” (Yes, I already have his number programmed into my phone…well, they all are, actually. That way I don’t have to remember their numbers to recognize who it is that’s calling.)

So a little while after I’d hung up, I asked the RK, “Aren’t you gonna ask me who [M] is?”

“Who’s [M], Mom?”

“He’s a boy…” (said with a goofy girlish tone in my voice)

And I love the RK’s next question: “Does he have any kids?”

“Yes. He has a 13-yr-old daughter,” which got a ‘yucky’ reaction from him, “an 11-yr-old son,” his expression quickly turned around on that one, “and an 8-year-old son.” Bigger grin. “And you know what else? The boys LOVE to play with Legos!”

“Mom, you have to marry him.”

Yup, that’s what he said! SO funny.

Anyway, we have plans to go out Saturday night. So far, the only red flag raised with M is that he might be too big of a drinker/partier for me (which is funny for me to say…I sound like such a grown-up!). I’m surely looking for someone who knows how to have fun, and makes it happen easily, and I thoroughly enjoy the late-night rowdiness with lots of friends every once in a while, but his enthusiasm about alcohol is slightly worrisome so far. But I also realize that when we first started communicating, he was on the verge of an uber-fun weekend trip that he had been planning for months and months. I’d be looking forward to consuming a rather large amount of intoxicating beverages in his position as well, I must admit. So the evidence hasn’t all been presented yet.

Things I love about him:

  • He’s a huge football fan.
  • He’s a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan. (Bonus points for that one!)
  • He can express himself very well through the written word. His emails have been easy to read, as well as very enjoyable.
  • He’s lived in the same small town his whole life, all of his family except one brother live close by, and he’s really close with them.
  • He loves to dance.
  • And yes, the fact that he has kids around the RK’s age with similar interests is indeed a plus.

I already feel so at ease with him…our personalities fit really well together. And I know that my level of nervousness on Saturday night will be minimal…I’m predicting more of a slightly anxious excitement. Given our conversations thus far, we both seem to be firmly planted into the mindset that we’re just gonna hang out, chat, have some fun, and see how it goes. And we both seem really eager to enjoy each other’s company in person, too! I’m gonna hold off on my ‘tee-hee’s’ until after Saturday night, though.

B is the third guy, and I initiated contact with him. He kept popping up at the very top of my searches all the time, and he looks in his picture like I could just see myself with him. So I read his profile, and decided it might be worth the effort. And we’ve been emailing and texting back and forth…well, up until he headed to the frozen tundra of M@nitoba to hunt for an entire week. He said he’s got a 12-year-old son who plays football and towers 4 inches over me. Yikes! So I’m looking forward to meeting him, as well. But yeah…right now most of my excitement is directed towards M. I will add, though, that at this stage with B, this is mainly due to the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ scenario. So I’m sure I’ll have more to write about him later on.

So I’m freaking out about how I’m supposed to handle things when a guy seems to be more interested in me than I am in him. I can’t stand the thought of invoking any sort of negative emotion in a person!


The RK has half-days the rest of this week due to parent-teacher conferences. So he’s all geeked about that. My conference with his teacher is this evening.

The IB was so cute yesterday… I put a load of laundry into the washing machine, and when it got done filling and started agitating, the IB liked the way it sounded and started dancing to it! I about died laughing. Have I mentioned how he just adores music? Anytime he hears it, he has to move his body! And he’ll walk around talking his little baby gobbledygook, and just melts my heart.

Still no word on this job, yet. And frankly, the more time goes on, the more concerned I get.

OK…I must get off this thing and get a grocery list ready to go. I’d like to make it to the store before the RK gets home from school around 1:00.



  1. I played with the online dating sites before SD and I headed down the path to romance.

    It can be exciting and scarey. AllI can tell you is FOLLOW your instincts. Give them a chance but follow your instincts. Listen to that voice inside and do what it tells you–the one that has common sense. Not the giggly girl. πŸ˜‰

  2. Oh dang it. I hit enter too soon.

    I was going to say that the giggly girl voice got me into trouble a couple of times. But I’m glad I gave the guys a chance that I gave a chance too.

  3. Thanks, girl. If I’ve learned anything the last decade of my life, it’s to not think I know what the future holds…’one step at a time’ is definitely my new mantra.

    But what do I do about P? Do I go ahead and go out with him Friday, just in case there’s something there that I just haven’t seen yet, or do I go with my preconceived gut feeling and cut this off before he lets himself get in too deep?

    Someone clue me in to the Official Protocol!

  4. a)if you have a gut feeling, go with it.

    b)I give you this passage by Henri Nouwen to do with as you like:

    “Because finding the treasure is only the beginning of the search, you have to be careful. If you expose the treasure to others without fully owning it, you might harm yourself and even lose the treasure. A newfound love needs to be nurtured in a quiet, intimate space. Overexposure kills it…. Finding the treasure without being ready yet to fully own it will make you restless. This is the restlessness of the search for God. It is the way to holiness. It is the road to the kingdom. It is the journey to the place where you can rest.”

  5. There’s no such thing as a bad job interview.

    The reason for that is simple. Any interview you go to is a learning experience. You learn about you more than anything else.

    I think the same goes for dating. And even if you’re not into that guy, this date will help him out too, with moving on and learning etc.

    Just make sure you’re 100% safe at all times, that is the most important thing.


  6. Just had to visit you before we got in a tizzy to get ‘on the road again’!

    But, what do I know about on-line dating? Zilch! I’ll tell you like I’ve always told my girls…”Use your smarts and remember where you come from!”

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