Posted by: Tricia | Monday, October 13, 2008

Oh no.

Here it comes.

I’ve been fighting it off for a week or so now, but I think it’s finally getting the better of me.

I’m getting sick.

In the almost two years I’ve been head of this household, I’ve had a handful of sore throats and clogged-up sinuses, but nothing that’s completely laid me out. What in the world would happen if I’m ever confined to my bed?

I don’t even know how to start thinking about that.

It just can’t happen. Oh dear God, please no! Who would take care of my babies? I have no family nearby, nor any friends who are in a position to neglect anything (or anyone) in their own households to come and assist the infirm. I have less than one day’s worth of sick time at work. I just don’t have the luxury of being able to get sick. Trust me…a good excuse to hole up in my bed with a box of tissues actually sounds pretty awesome right now. But it’s just not an option.

I woke up this morning feeling so fed-up. I’m fed-up with the multitudes of things on my ever-growing to-do list never getting crossed off. I’m fed-up with the overwhelming responsibility I have to singlehandedly keep this household afloat. I’m fed-up with the little failure demons that taunt me and whisper in my ear all day long. I’m fed-up with having to wear the same pitiful wardrobe that can last me just about two weeks if I play my laundry cards right, because I can’t spare a dime for risk of not getting the mortgage paid. I’m fed-up with trying to find the time to take care of tasks like running to the bank to pay my mortage (because I can’t pay it online anymore since it was modified), or finding Halloween costumes for my boys. I’m fed-up with my pathetic repertoire of meals to cook for dinner, and not really knowing how to change that. I’m fed-up with this voice in my head telling me that I can always be doing a better job, always working harder.

I don’t want to work harder! I want to be able to sit back and play with my boys, and just enjoy them, without the nagging going on in the back of my mind that there’s cleaning to be done. I want to look around my house and be proud of it…I want to feel compelled to welcome people into it instead of feeling ashamed of the condition it’s in and holing myself up in here away from civilization.

I’m already dreading Christmas. Ugh…I don’t even want to talk anymore about that right now.

When I first started blogging again, I mentioned that I’m comfortably out of the dating world right now. And that’s still true. But good God, I’m all alone! I miss my husband. Or the idea of my husband, anyway. I miss having a shoulder to cry on for times such as this.

Sorry for the blubbering mess tonight. But it’s how I’m feeling.

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Responses

  1. *hugs*

    I may not have children yet, my girlfriend’s daughter is not mine, but we all struggle to make it through. Sometimes we want to rage against the struggles set in our path. My thoughts and heart go out to you.

    I forgot to mention it in my earlier comment but it took me about 3 days to make my list. Between a sick four year-old, working, presentations and exams.

  2. I wish you and I lived close together. I hate thinking of you all alone up there.

    I don’t have kids, but I know the feeling of despair that being alone can bring. Besides making you feel like you want to crumble, it can also be really scary sometimes.

    You’ll make it. You’ll be fine. And we’re all here with a shoulder for you. *hugs*

  3. So, you’ve got a few challenges.

    You can rise above them.

    You always do.

    Why don’t you focus on the good stuff instead of the bad stuff?

    You have much to be thankful for.

    Your kids are healthy and safe (as opposed to my co-worker’s 4 year-old daughter, who was hit by a car yesterday).

    You have a nice home (and I’m losing mine).

    You have a job (while 9.5 million Americans currently don’t).

    “What if this goes wrong, What if that goes wrong….blah blah blah”

    Hey, what if things go RIGHT?

    What if this Halloween is the best one ever?

    What if you win the lottery tonight?

    Chin up!

  4. Kendall — Sounds to me like that little girl might as well be yours. She loves you like she is.

    LC — I wish we were closer together, too! Although I’m not really sure exactly where you are…

    I know I’ll be fine. I just had to vent a little. And a virtual shoulder’s better than nothing…that’s for sure.

    Packsaddle — Like I just said, my emotions got the better of me last night. Just had to release some pressure, I guess you could say. I do have so much to be thankful for…if you read back in my archives, you’ll see that I make sure to count my blessings on a regular basis. And I’m certainly not the type to always wait for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

    But I’m allowed a moment every now and again to bitch & whine, piss & moan, aren’t I?

    And boy, that would really be something if I win the lottery tonight without having purchased any tickets!

    My heart truly breaks for your co-worker. And I’m so sorry to hear about your house. Houses don’t matter…homes do.

  5. Please, please ask someone for help.

    Someone out there wants to say “yes” right now.

    Ask. You shall receive.

    Then cuddle up with your kids under the covers, with a big cup of tea… and sleep.

  6. Hi Rachel! Thanks for stopping by.

    Actually, I think I’m still winning my war against the evil germies. I’m feeling better than I have in a week or so, actually. So perhaps I’ve dodged yet another bullet.

    I do need to work on asking for help, though. That’s taking such a huge risk to make myself vulnerable to someone for the first time…even if it’s just a neighbor or girlfriend. For some reason, I have such a fear of appearing weak in any way. That’s a whole other blog post right there!

  7. Hey, girl, chin up. I’m sorry you’re feeling down, your life is hard. No doubt.

    And really, you kick butt at being a mom, and providing, and keeping everything sane for RK and IB.

    You rock.

    Don’t forget it.

    You ROCK.


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