Posted by: Tricia | Wednesday, October 29, 2008

It’s just little ol’ insignificant me.

I titled my last post “Uninspired.” I think that’s a gross inaccuracy, though. I think it should be “Overinspired.” As I go about my day-to-day life, I come across so much that I want to share about. But my blogging time is precious…just about the only time I can really sit down to gather my thoughts is rather late in the evening when my boys are down for the night and I can focus on channeling all that has been swirling around in my head onto this computer screen. But more often than not, my brain enters shutdown mode and I’m done. El fin. Coherent thoughts are over and done with.

So here I am, and there’s so much on my mind. Like the great evening I had with my boys at the bowling alley tonight. It was a Cub Scout thing…bowling for the den meeting. The IX had already RSVP’ed to the den leader that they would be there. Then he told me yesterday he couldn’t go because he’s found an evening job vacuuming offices. I forwarded his own RSVP email that he had sent to the den leader right back to him, reminding him of what he had already committed to. He said he’d go ahead and take him. Today he texts me saying he’ll need some cash to spring for their share of the bowling & pizza, and I tell him I’ll be sure to stop at the ATM on the way home. And an hour before they’re supposed to be there, he bails yet again.

I came home pretty tired and generally pissed off this evening, and having the IX pull this on me certainly didn’t help any. I yelled at the RK for not having started on his reading project which he’s known about since schoolday #1 and is due a week from tomorrow. I yelled at the IB for continuing to beg for a third “Wo-wo.” (Oreo). I almost decided to just drop the RK off at the bowling alley and ask one of his buddies’ parents if they could bring him home so I could get the IB to bed and be done with him for the day (especially after learning he had no nap today & was rather cranky).

But in the end, I decided we would all go, and just see how it went. I decided that if it ended up that the IB was too much to handle, I’d ask for a ride home for the RK at that point and take the IB home.

And you know what? It was a total blast for all three of us. I didn’t bowl, but I did help the IB roll a couple down the lane. He found the gutter every time, but loved watching it slowly roll all the way down. When it finally clunked out of sight, he’d clap his hands like he was on his way to a perfect 300. And all the other boys had fun high-fiving and fist-bumping with him the whole time.

And the RK hit two strikes and four spares. He won the first game out of his foursome with the blistering score of 87, and came in second on the second game at 86. He was doing really great, and that made it such a blast for him. He’s already wanting to know when I’ll bring him back.

I mentioned in the car on the way home how glad I was that the night worked out like it did…how I was so cranky and out of sorts when we got home, and how that all got turned around and we all ended up having a fun, memorable night as a family.

Another reason for my writer’s block is my own self-doubt. Sometimes I wonder if my perception of the world is completely out of whack from reality. Like how I see things and understand them is just completely wrong. Like anything I have to write is just a bunch of garbage and way off the mark. Does anyone else ever feel that way? Or is this just a perfect example? Blogs are a great way for people to record events, emotions, and perceptions. Anyone who owns a blog has free reign over what they put on it and how. Yet how is it that we tend to get so caught up in trying to write a certain way, about certain topics, that will please our readers? I’ve found myself obsessively checking my stats, and start to question my own legitimacy as a blog writer when things get a little slow around here. My mind starts heading in the direction of coming up with ‘perfect’ posts…not too long, not too short, and full of wisdom and insight that will cause the readers to flock around my little corner of the internet. Lots of fancy gadgets, widgets, and gizmos, perfect formatting, a brilliant design…I must entertain the masses! I throw so much of my own self-worth in trying to win praise and popularity, even if it is just nameless, faceless hits on a statcounter. So pathetic.

I just have this consuming desire to know that I matter. That I have something to offer. That I’m not a big failure because of my fucked-up view about what life’s supposed to be about.

And this actually deters me from posting. I just don’t have the time, opportunity, energy, or presence of mind to come back here with a post that I’m proud of each and every time. So I don’t post. The ideas and thoughts for this blog flood my head all day long, but when the time comes and I can give my computer my undivided attention, it’s gone.

So many of my fellow single parent bloggers have been striking such a nerve in me lately, too. I start to comment on their posts, but then I realize that I have so much I want to say, that I had better save it for a post of my own. When I get around to it…and then it’s gone.

Like Ms. Single Mama talking about taking her 2.8-year-old to the grocery store. And how much she hates it. I am SOOOO there with her. Or Dad’s House talking about casual sex without any lifelong commitments involved, and the emotional effects it can have. That’s one I definitely want to post about…my philosophy on this whole thing is so different than so many other single parent blogs I’ve come across, and it’s actually started making me feel like I’m a freak. Or a prude. Yep, that’s definitely one I need to work on in the very near future.

And then there’s Depot Dad. He started his blog over the summer as your typical, run-of-the-mill recently separated dad. But lately, his blog has taken on a much different theme; one of fighting a war with cancer. I have found myself compelled to comment on a regular basis over at his place, but a few days ago, I really got myself in trouble. What meant to be a bit of advice (about something I know absolutely nothing about and can’t relate to in the slightest, mind you) and encouragement ended up being rather detrimental and damaging. It took a few days for me to become aware of what I had caused, and I was instantly devastated to learn that anything I might’ve said had had any sort of negative effect, especially when my intentions were the polar opposite. I pulled my foot out of my mouth, and humbly offered a mea culpa, which he graciously accepted.

How funny is it that this man a thousand miles away who is going about his own life, minding his own business, navigating his own detours and roadblocks that life is throwing at him, can actually be an instrument to teach me another hard-learned lesson about my own self? I find that as quite a blessing, and it is my sincere hope that he can do the same. Jim, I am so grateful, and words just can’t express the amount of hope, strength, comfort and encouragement I send to you as you go on this difficult journey.

OK boys and girls, as usual, this post has taken much longer than I intended it to. And I didn’t even touch on my boss yelling at me at work yesterday (in front of the whole department), the schoolyard bully in her gray-haired wig who started the whole thing, and the conversation I had today with my boss to clear the air. Needless to say, this week has started off with a rather demoralizing, self-esteem destroying, kick-in-the-gut feel to it. But I know it’ll get better.



  1. First, I’m glad to know you, the RK, and the IB had such a good time at the alley. The image of you helping the IB and him being so excited to see it go down the gutter is hilarious. Your boys are lucky to have you.

    You’re not the only one who worries about validation ma’am. Do I like that I have a small group of people that read my blog regularly? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I started my blog as a way to work on my openness with people.

    It may not mean much but your thoughts do matter to me, even if we don’t see eye to eye on some things.

    – Kendall

  2. You matter. You do.

    And if you have a moment today, please call Jim… please. He needs support right now.

  3. Kendall, thanks for the encouragement. Yeah, I can tell we probably have some differing perspectives, but you have no idea how much I appreciate the fact that you are of the type that’s able to respect a person despite that. You’d think that wouldn’t be such a big deal, but sadly in this day and age, it’s becoming harder and harder to find. I heart you! XOXO (Get Daybreak to deliver those X’s & O’s on my behalf, would ya?)

  4. Oh, and SMS…I emailed him. It seems so futile…but one thing I discovered is that perhaps words can have more power than I realize…good or bad!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: