Posted by: Tricia | Sunday, November 9, 2008

Nike, you can kiss my ass.

There’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it.  I’m so far from being the person I want to be.  And here I am, thoughts fumbling around in my head, trying to figure out how to change.  How to get my act together.  I’m not doing it right.  And I don’t know how to do it right.

Since my divorce, I’ve developed the mantra that I can be alone and be happy.  I can do this on my own.  I don’t need anyone else in my life, that I can change all the things I don’t like about myself, that I can grow, all without the aid or influence of anyone else.

But it’s been two years now that I’ve been doing this all on my own, and while I’ve made a lot of progress, and I don’t deny myself that, I still have so much going on in my head and my heart that continues to bring me down.

What is so fucking hard about cleaning?  I have these grand notions of all I’m going to get done around this house when my boys are gone off with their dad, and every single weekend, I end up pissing it all away.  The thoughts in my head…motivational, rational, then condemning, doubting, who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are thoughts, excuses, all competing with each other, finding a way to keep my butt parked in a constant state of complete inactivity and unproductivity.  And excruciating torture.  Every other Sunday night when my boys come home, I have nothing but a sense of paralyzing regret for wasting another opportunity to start getting my shit together.

I think I’m finally starting to figure out that my own motivational tactics just aren’t gonna do the trick.  I just can’t do this on my own.  Nike just doesn’t get it…”Just do it” is nothing but a big steaming pile of shit.

I need a friend.  A best friend.  I need someone who loves me just the way I am, mess and all.  I need someone in my life who can sit me down and tell me when I have the wrong idea.  Who can call me out.  Who can let me know when I’m off the mark.

I don’t have anyone like that in my life.  There’s no one who cares enough about me to tell me how I’m fucking up and then help me find my way out of it without judging me.  I have no one in my phone that I feel like I can call day or night when I need them.  I blame my circumstances, I blame the IX, and I also blame myself.  During my marriage, the IX’s own insecurities and shame kept us pretty isolated.  And now I don’t know how to do this any other way.  I don’t know how to let people in anymore.  How do I tell if someone is strong enough to be the kind of friend I need, and not run away laughing their asses off when they figure out just how I really am?  Or that they have the character to make themselves available to their friends in need?  Or what if I’m already surrounded by this kind people, and it’s my own pride standing in the way, completely blinding me?  I don’t know…it just seems to me that it wouldn’t be so hard to discern when it comes down to it.

In the last two years, I’ve lost my husband, my ‘best’ friend…and my bestest friend.  M and I became best friends shortly after meeting in the ninth grade.  She & I went to different junior high schools, and we met up at the same school when we got to ninth grade.  She played the flute, too.  We immediately started hanging out all the time together, having sleepovers, all the stuff teenage girls do together.  She even came with me and my dad on spring break to Angel Fire, NM our senior year.  We managed to maintain our friendship all the way through high school, and after.  I went to college in Austin, she moved to Arlington.  We managed to see each other from time to time…I remember spending the weekend with her in Arlington when my uncle died in Greenville & I drove up for the funeral…I made a weekend out of it.

Looking back on it now, I see how I made all the effort, though.  She would let me know she was planning a trip back home to Midland, and I would arrange a trip for the same time.  In the last few years, when she was living in Austin, I’d call her up and say I wanted to come see her and stay with her, and we’d fly down for Labor Day, or whatever.  We did that more than once…two, maybe three times, I guess.

But not once did she ever make any effort to plan a trip to stay with me.  When I was living in Indianapolis, and the RK was just a few months old, M & her new husband (or maybe they weren’t married yet…I can’t remember) drove down to Indy from Chicago for the day when they were visiting his family.  Like it was an afterthought.  While we were still in high school, not once did she ever room with me on a band trip.  Every time I asked her, she had already signed up with other girls.

Now I can see how I made her out to be the kind of friend I wanted her to be.  But she was never that for me.  When I was going through my divorce, she got fed up with listening to me in my utter despair.  She kept saying how her mother had managed to pull herself back up and get on with her life, why couldn’t I?  I just wasn’t moving along fast enough for her, I guess.  She let me know she couldn’t listen to me like this anymore, and that she’d call me when she was ready.  I told her not to bother.  I could see then that she wasn’t the kind of friend I thought she was.

That was in March 2007.  She tried calling me later that July, and she was trying to play it off like nothing had happened, “So…my God, how have you been???”  I blew her right back off again.  And haven’t spoken to her since.

She was the closest thing I had ever had to a real best friend.  September 2007 would’ve marked twenty years.  But I was kidding myself all along about what it really was.  You know those awesome Looney Tunes cartoons with the big bulldog, and the little mutt always following him around, thinking it’s so cool to be hanging out with such a badass dog, and the bulldog kept blowing him off, barely acknowledging his existence?  Yup, I was that mutt, and she was the bulldog.  And that’s all there really was to that friendship.

So now where am I?  It turns out I’ve never really had that love-you-no-matter-what kind of friendship.  And my guard is up.  WAY up.  I desperately need someone like that in my life, because doing this on my own just isn’t working for me.  But it’s not like I can just put an ad up on Craigslist.


“Trish, you just need to get out there and meet people.”  Great.  I’ll just pencil that in for every other weekend.  Where do I go?  What do I say?  I’m great at meeting people.  I’ll talk their ears off.  That’s not the problem.  It’s what comes after that that’s the problem.  It seems to me that no one has ever thought enough of me to pursue anything beyond ‘acquaintance.’  I’ve always felt like I have to be the one to make all the effort…just once I’d like to be the one sought after.

I need someone to make an investment in me.  And then see it through.  I know it’s a tall order.  But I also know there are people out there who have the balls to fill it.

I’ll make it through…I’ve made it this far.  I ain’t giving up know.  I just had to get that out.

(I closed the comment section for this post, because I just wanted to vent a little…feel free to go comment about a happier post of mine if you feel so inclined.)



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