Posted by: Tricia | Friday, November 28, 2008

A Thanksgiving to forget

I don’t really feel much like writing on here, but then again…I do.  I spent Thanksgiving in complete solitude, and those demons in my head are keeping me pretty sedentary.  And I hate it.  My financial situation right now is bleak at best, and with the holiday season upon us, it stresses me out beyond any measure.  I hate Christmas.  And I hate that I hate Christmas.  I’m so not the type to shun a festive occasion. But all the commercials! All the incessant advertising to spend spend SPEND!

The IX was scheduled to bring the boys back tonight, but I asked if he could keep them for tonight because I’m not feeling well. Physically, I’m fine. But emotionally, I’m a wreck. I’m trying to figure out how I ended up where I am right now. How has this become my life?

To pass the time, I was messing around on the online dating site I joined last year. I found P still on there, and he stated on his profile that he hasn’t had any success on there, but he’s still giving it another chance. That just about killed me. I stupidly decided that I just couldn’t hold it in, so I sent him an email:

“I’ve always thought that meeting you on match was a definite success, and it makes me sad that you don’t feel the same. You still pop into my thoughts quite often (like when I ordered my burrito at Chipotle totally in Spanish), and so much confusion still remains about what happened with us.”

And that was it. The entire email. Just had to get it out. Just had to let him know that I do still exist in this world, and while I might not have had any effect on him whatsoever, he did on me.

You ever just feel invisible? Like your existence doesn’t really matter? That’s kind of where I am right now. Oh…now I know that I’m everything to my boys, and how much they need me, but even that stresses me out, because I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough to give them the lives they deserve. I can’t even begin to think about making this house festive and cheery for the holidays. Ugh. But I want to…just don’t know if I can. Those demons again.

I’m just about to the point where I think I need some additional assistance of some sort. An appointment with the doctor might be in order. I’d like to think that a little tweaking of the juices in my brain is all I’ll need, because I can’t afford a therapist. If it costs more than free, I can’t afford it. And childcare issues arise, as well.

Just the thought of making that call freaks me out, though. But I don’t know how much longer I can live life like this. I’m wasting precious time!

I’ve said it before — I really hate blogging like this. But the way I see it is, I don’t want to be completely silent during my dark days…I want to record them as well as the happy times. It is the reality of my life, after all, and the journey isn’t always smooth sailing. So here I am, in all my patheticosity.

Please know that I am still reading all of what my faithful readers are writing over on your own blogs…even if I’m become a bit of a lurker. Finding new posts in my reader from you guys helps keep me going.

Oh, and by the way, I’m not contemplating joining the world of online dating again. It’s quite evident that I am certainly not fit to date right now.

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Responses

  1. I definitely know what it’s like to feel invisible. I was in that same place not too long ago. I remember blogging about it many times.

    Remember this, though, Tricia….I’m in a complete 180 from where I was this time last year. Things can change in the blink of an eye. I think my time of repose and aloneness allowed me to be open to someone that I would not have normally been open to seeing. But thank God I did.

    Hold on. You’re in transition. It can really hurt and be scary, but you’ll make it, and there’s no telling the good things that are to come.

    *hugs you tight*

  2. Don’t worry. My Thanksgiving was a lonely, depressing day of self-worthlessnes. To top it off, Colorado dumped a foot of snow on us and my ex claimed he didn’t know he was supposed to drive our daughter home, so I drove in the blizzard to pick her up and blew up on his idiocy.

    I feel your pain.


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