Posted by: Tricia | Sunday, December 7, 2008

Another week in the history books

It’s been a very up and down week for me. I certainly didn’t mean to go this long without posting, and I’ve had about three different posts rattling around in my head these last couple of days. The phone conversation with the IX I spoke about in my last post freaked me out but good, and I’m so sad to say I took a lot of it out on my boys. We had one really ugly night this past week, but I think it was one of those horrible things that a lot of good ultimately comes out of. The RK and I had an unforgettable and relationship-strengthening talk after I had sufficiently vented and calmed down. I ended up being honest with him about our current financial status. I remember when I was a kid and my parents hit some hard times, they tried to keep me as isolated from it as they could. And I don’t think that was the way to go. It kept me at a distance and didn’t include me as a bonified member of the family.

So now the RK knows just how severe things are for us. He has such a sweet attitude about it, and we’re both going to help each other spend as little money as possible (as in we’re going to hold each other accountable when either one of us has the desire to spend money unnecessarily…like at McDonald’s), as well as help each other with all our other responsibilities around here. He is such a fantastic kid. He loves me so much, and he has this genuine sense of wanting his mom to be happy. I think I’m on the right track here…we’re in a partnership of sorts…of course I’m the senior partner, though. But we’re working together. And I feel like letting him in on the difficult situation we’re in and being honest with him is paying him the respect he deserves as a member of this family.

He also knows that everything’s going to be OK, though. He completely believes that God is going to take care of us and provide us with everything we need…just as He always has. For now things are a little rough…but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be forever. I hope to show him too that we don’t just have to be victims of our circumstances; but can be proactive and work to get ourselves out.

Unlike his father. I found out today that he no longer has his bank account. And I realized that the IX today is exactly the same person he was when I first met him back in 1994. He had no bank account then, either..saying the banks “screw you over” with fees. That was because he was checking his balances at the ATM, withdrawing cash, only later to have checks he had already written bounce. Back then he had lousy credit, too. And now? Well…you already know. He’s not only financially bankrupt, but morally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.

It’s really sad to see how he hasn’t grown one lick in the 14 years I’ve known him. It just makes me realize more and more that our divorce was for the best, and that one thing he said to me more than once really is true:

“You deserve to be with someone better than me.”

I tried so hard to convince him that that could be him, but he just doesn’t see it that way. He has no confidence in himself that he can grow and change and be better. I think when it comes down to it, he is too afraid to look down deep inside himself and face what’s really in there. He just can’t do it. Won’t do it. And he has doomed himself to a life of un-fulfillment, regret, and sadness. I truly pity him.

I really did love him. I gave him all of my heart. And honestly, I still love him on some level. And it still shatters my heart to see him like this. Oh, don’t get me wrong…I have no desire to be with him anymore, and as I said earlier, it’s plain to see that this divorce was definitely for the best. But I gotta admit — if he ever comes to me full of remorse and finally ready to take care of all his shit so he can be the husband I deserve and the father the boys deserve, and if I haven’t yet found ‘someone better’, I would absolutely give him the chance to demonstrate as such. He’d have a lot of work to do before I’d promise him anything…but yeah. I’m open to it. I certainly won’t be holding my breath, though. I’m saying all this hypothetically in every sense of the word.

So now it’s the start of another week. I got a lot done this weekend while the boys were gone, and I’m feeling pretty darn good about it tonight. We don’t have our Christmas tree up yet, but getting the house cleaned up is in preparation for that. I just can’t even imagine putting up a Christmas tree in a messy house!

Until next time…

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Responses

  1. uh-huh.

    only mine went from working 60 hours a week and being financially responsible, to bankruptcy.

    i think it is important to be honest with your kids. we were shopping tonight and ems wanted something and i felt real bad because she never asks, but i made sure she knew it was for now. it would get better.

    it sounds like you are doing a great job.

    i just thought yesterday, kids of single parents end up taking on a lot more responsibilities, but in the end, i think it’s been good for my girls and maybe other kids should be doing it to.

    don’t know. can’t figure this stuff out.

  2. I swear to the Goddess, we could so be related!

    I know some might condemn you for pressing all the “real” world stuff on your child…but screw them. You’re a family unit and you are empowering him by making him a productive part of it.

    I think it was a good move, I’m sure you didn’t frighten him to the point of despair! And I’m sure he feels empowered with his ability to “help” by saying, “No Mama, I dont’ want a coke and fries!” Which ingeniously negates him asking for them in the first place!

    Kudo’s girl. I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time but I admire so much the relationship you continue to build with your boys…and that you try so hard to maintain such a good relationship with their father. There’s always ex-spouses, but there is no such thing as ex-parent’s…you’ve every right to hate him and be bitter and use your children against him…I admire the fact that you don’t.

    AND, you’re as big an idiot as I am. See all of the wonderful qualities in people and the “diamond” in the rough…and see the “potential” for “redemption”….

    What a beatiful quality.

    Doesn’t pay well though, or give you a good nights sleep, huh.

    I’ve decided, I don’t have to judge “people” per se (because who am I to judge other’s?) but I CAN and I WILL judge what I will/and will not allow in my life.

    Makes it easiser to sleep at night being judgemental. Ironically, I made judement all about me and feel better about it!? I’m a sick puppy!

  3. Wow I think I might drop dead if I ever heard those words come from my ex. 14 years huh? I don’t get it. How can people just…..not grow up. Who has that choice when you have kids?

    *sigh* You got it figured out at least. Thank God.


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